The Irony of Dead Flowers
By Sarah Hassell
Just For Sex
Two contacts that are actually in my phone are Uncertainty and Avoid At All Cost.
These two humans earned their titles.
I ran into Avoid At All Cost at Andy's where I was with another man. I am not entirely sure what occurred, but Avoid At All Cost was in my bed the next morning. When he was gone I felt that same emptiness that I feel every time he leaves. That was Monday, today is Tuesday. I feel emotionally drained and confused.
Am I more than my vagina?
I begin to cry.
Then I get a text.
Uncertainty: if anything you should come down here just so we can have sex.
I have developed a pattern as far as my love life is concerned. I see the red flags and ignore them. There was a shitty boyfriend I kept in contact with after we broke-up. I would end a night of calls and texts to John by deleting the messages and him from my contacts. When we first met he was JOHN PINKLY<3;-). Then just John Pinkly. Now he is just John. After tonight I don't know what he'll be. Get so desperate to talk again that I will just look in my call log for his number. Now, he is just another 512 area code number whose attempt at contact I will deny and eventually block. One can only hope.
This pain is relentless and unnerving; the feeling is cumbersome at best. There is a numbness that I can feel throughout my entire body, right down to my fingertips. Gray charcoal colored tears drop onto my arms and the white band of my wrist watch. There's a lawn mower humming in the distance, the delicate noise of my cat eating from his small porcelain bowl, birds cawing, and a plane flies by somewhere in the distance. I am here. Wide awake now, but after the melatonin, valerian root, clonazepam, cannabis, and vodka cocktail that I just ingested, the pain will be transient. Pass out and forget all I was thinking that's making me unable to live my life. Wake up again, and lie to everyone I know. Love is a suicide mission.
The Other One
I cannot believe I never wrote about Jack in my online journal. He broke up with me a week ago and I guess that is the best way to start.
My mother found me with all the origami Jack had made me, took it, and got rid of all but one that I hid from her.
I found myself googling, "is it healthy to burn things after a break-up?" The opinions were about 50/50 and that was good enough for me.
I invite my mother to destroy her in the backyard, but coincidentally there was an Atmos Energy truck outside. I decided to burn the one thing I wanted to hide and secretly keep: Sandy the origami elephant Jack made me the first week we met. I burned Sandy in the sink, which I immediately realized was a poorly conceived plan because of the smoke. The only time I have been thankful that none of the smoke detectors work in my house. She is mostly gone, but I had to relight her three times, and I was becoming impatient. I placed her in running water from the kitchen sink, eyes and charred body were all that were left as I watched her swirl down the drain as though he was gazing at me one last time, like he did when we first met and made me origami elephants.
I noticed that full moon while walking Saturday afternoon. Acknowledged it and thought to myself: something is going to happen. As a result feels like I gave it enough significance to cause my weekend to end badly. Saturday was spent at the zoo with my friend Rhys, ate baba ganoush at the Green Zatar, walked around getting some errands done, then walked to the square kind of later to see Jason and make sure his last night at Andy's went well. Ended up staying after they closed and waited on Jason to get off. Not going to lie, it was pretty cute. Took part in some drunk shower sex (but that's another story), cuddled, and slept until about two in the afternoon. He left pretty quickly because his mother was in town and had been hanging out with his roommates all morning. Started thinking about the fact that he was leaving and got all sad, but wasn't able to for long. Yesterday was my mother’s birthday and of course she called me crying; every time I talk to her it makes my anxiety horrible. After the phone call I knew I had to do things for me that would help lessen the anxiety. Drank a glass of warm water with lemon, drank a healthy green algae and fiber drink, made coffee for the week, did laundry, cleaned the bathroom, walked Frankie while listening to a meditation, and made a sandwich. Jason was spending time with his mom, and I only see him a few times a week anyway. My bed would be empty tonight and here lately can't tolerate being alone. Throughout my whole day thought about Jack while simultaneously trying not to. Bought a comic and went up to Andy's in all hopes and honesty wanting to see him. I would like someone to watch Game of Thrones with me. I saw Matt and Liz followed by a Jack much sooner than expected. He was there and he was gone. Right after Jack left I heard David the bartender loudly talking about how he had only been with two people in a year and a half. This was directed at me. I pull out a piece of paper and start making a list. People are funny and fail to realize that we don't all have to be so one dimensional and typical. Handled a very very hard year (emotionally and all the above) in my own ways but guess what, I am alive. Never had so many suicidal tendencies in my life and shitty people to make it worse. I am still here, I exist, I love people, I love loving, and I am going to get better. So all things considered, I got over Jack leaving unusually quickly and ran into Jack's old roommate Simon. He bought me some drinks and had a pleasant time talking. I started walking home with Simon when he decided he needed chicken strips which was perfect because hot dogs help me with sadness. We talk for a while about all kinds of things when venting about Jack starts. David's comment came up and I started talking about how I felt a little guilty about being with so many people since he dumped me. I'm all fucking brokenhearted (literally, sleeping with people that aren't who I am in love with) and feeling kind of guilty because Jack said he hadn't been with anyone else. Simon went into no detail and seemingly wanted to protect me and simply let me know I WAS MISTAKEN. Cried for an impressively short period of time, kept talking, we smoked some pot, and I went to bed. Waking up though, holy shit I thought my anxiety attack was going to send me into patient rehab. I have had enough with shitty people. They are such a heavy, heavy weight that is so far indescribable for me. I started writing, thinking, called Jason, and calmly vented. Why so terrible? I wasted time and emotion for a human that finds me disposable. Jason was having an anxiety attack also as it turned out, oops, but it's always the same talk with same solution: stop talking to Jack. Thought to myself going to do stuff, anything, and get out of this funk. Don't drink and take a nap. Jason mentioned going to buy a 40 when I admitted that I really just wanted to drink and nap. Light bulb moment: then do it.
The next full moon will occur on Monday, June 20, 2016. It is known as the Full Strawberry Moon and may look full a day before and after to the casual observer.
About Sarah Hassell: My dad is from Del Rio and mother was raised all over. I have two brothers, one twenty-nine and the other thirty-one. I recently turned thirty so growing up in the middle with two rowdy brothers definitely affected who I am today. I was born and raised in San Angelo, Texas and moved to Denton in the middle of my senior year of high school. I love to paint and draw and was dead set on going to art school, but changed my mind after going to a Visual Arts Scholastic Event and become discouraged. I spent the better half of my twenties doing whatever I wanted. I didn’t drive, have a phone, made mistakes, but more or less enjoyed myself. Learned how to drive and started school at 27, but I am still a math credit shy of having my associates in Fine Arts. I planned on studying psychology, until I discovered I preferred writing after a bad break-up last year. Now, my goal is to get back into school and study Radio Television Broadcasting and Film with a minor in creative writing. I love writing, my cat, my dog, my ball python and working at The Midway Craft House.